Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Father Matthew presents: Holy Matrimony

This video from Episcopal Priest the Rev. Matthew Moretz is quite timely!

Monday, July 30, 2012

Into the Lion's Den

Last night several of us from the Cathedral found ourselves at Skyline Church in La Mesa to hear and in my case, possibly participate, in an event called “A Conversation About the Definition of Marriage.” Put together by Skyline’s pastor, Jim Garlow, there were four panelists, two for what we would call an inclusive view of marriage, Bishop Gene Robinson and Dr. John Corvino, and two for the view marriage should be between a man and a woman, Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse and Dr. Rob Gagnon.

 It was, as hoped by Pastor Garlow, a civil discussion, with each side given extensive time to speak, and as such a tremendous breakthrough. None of us, including Pastor Garlow, knew quite what to expect given the strong feelings on the issue. Certainly we Cathedral folk didn't, given that Skyline Church had been in the forefront of the pro Proposition 8 campaign in California. However, my experience of the Skyline parishioners last night was that they could not have been more welcoming or helpful.

And after sleeping on it, I am very thankful I was there, and believe it was absolutely a step in the right direction. But I think it addressed the wrong issue. Rather than a conversation about the definition of marriage, it would have been more helpful to simply have a conversation about marriage. As long as we talk about the definition of marriage we distance ourselves from the reality of marriage and the fact marriage is about relationships involving flesh and blood people. It is about the two people directly involved, their children if they have any, their families, and their communities (including their faith communities and relationship with God, if so inclined).

Allisyn moderated part of the event
 While I do not want to say we should never deal with hypotheticals, academic studies, and the like, if we don’t look at the effect policies, regulations, and even tradition have on real people we are in serious danger of becoming like some of the Pharisees Jesus encountered—more interested in the law than what the law is trying to accomplish. It is one thing to hear about “Biblical” definitions of marriage as we heard from Dr. Robach Morse and Gagnon, and quite another to hear the effects those definitions have on people such as Bishop Robinson and Dr. Corvino who are striving to live their lives with integrity and faithfulness. This concern and sense was certainly on my mind when Pastor Garlow invited me on stage to ask a question.

Obviously I have a position on this, as did all the panelists, and while I do not think any minds were changed, hopefully some hearts were. Towards the end, Bishop Robinson told all the people who attend Skyline they should take care of their pastor because he did a brave thing and no doubt has, and will continue, to take criticism for putting on the event. And Bishop Robinson is right. As for me, last night reinforced how marriage, and seeking God’s blessing, is about inviting God into the midst of our most intimate relationship. Thanks be to God.


The Rev. Canon Allisyn Thomas 

We'll be publishing more thoughts about the Skyline event over the week (to read them all, click here).  Don't forget the upcoming 9am Forum Series asking "What makes long lasting relationships?" led by Dr. Marjorie Coburn, a clinical psychologist. The first forum on Sunday August 5th at 9am will feature the Rev. Canon Allisyn Thomas, who will discuss the recently approved Liturgy for Blessing the Unions of Same-Sex Couples. 

Friday, July 27, 2012

Wedding gifts, wedding blessings

Marriage is on our mind this week. There's the upcoming "Conversation on Marriage" at Skyline Church this Sunday, and a new 9am Forum Series asking "What makes long lasting relationships?" aimed at those in same-sex pr heterosexual relationship.  This series is led by Dr. Marjorie Coburn, a clinical psychologist. The first forum on Sunday August 5th at 9am will feature the Rev. Canon Allisyn Thomas, who will discuss the recently approved Liturgy for Blessing the Unions of Same-Sex Couples. 

À propos of both these events, here's a reflection which appeared on the Friends of Jake blog last week.  Cross posted with permission.


Last week the Episcopal Church passed an approved, if provisional liturgy for The Witnessing and Blessing of a Lifelong Covenant. Predictably much uproar ensued. Is it a marriage rite? (no.) Will straight people use it? (not likely—there are already BCP liturgies for marriage, and for blessing of a civil marriage, which remain officially off-limits for LGBT people). In the comments to some posts, several couples of long standing were insulted. If we’ve been together 20+ years, seemed the theme, why on earth would I do this now?  If it's not even "real"?

Coincidentally, BP and I were at a (non-church) event last week where we met an out, gay man, M., who has been with his partner 27 years. The host genially barraged M, saying “you live in New York! You can get married!”  M. was modestly annoyed at this. “Why would we get married NOW?” he asked. “That would just insult the years we've had--as if they weren’t real.”

Now, I’ve gone on numerous times here about why I believe there should ultimately be one marriage rite (you can read my commentary and links here). But in this post, I want to ignore that, and address the common theme between these two responses: “Why should I do this now? If marriage is a covenant between two people, I have already done that.”

Yup, you have! And so did my wife BP and I, when we exchanged rings privately. Our hearts were sealed together at that moment.

But we also took advantage of marrying, when it became (briefly) legal in California, and we took advantage of the blessing, when our Bishop allowed that possibility. I’ve told you about both events (here and here). While neither of these events changed our hearts towards each other, they nevertheless were very important to our relationship, and they shared something in common.

Both our wedding, and subsequent blessing, put our relationship into the context of community. Each turned out to be a profound and moving gift to us. And that’s what we told M., as we explained why he might want to marry.

No man is an island unto himself, wrote John Donne, and neither is a marriage. The whole concept exists within a culture and community. When the window to marry opened in CA, we said to each other, “this is complicated (because of DOMA) and it may even be taken away (because of the pending Prop8). It’s not like a straight marriage in those regards. It's not the full thing itself. But we need to take the opportunities given. If we don’t seize the opportunity, and show how much this matters, there won’t be progress.” It seemed very rational.

We of course discovered that in every important way, it WAS and IS marriage, and we were lifted by it far more than we would have expected ahead of time. After all, we had already made that commitment. But our wedding was a chance to celebrate our relationship with friends and family, making public what had been private. They held us up in joy, and welcomed us to the broader community. That feeling of being held up was palpable. Amazing.  It meant so much more than we could have imagined.

And we found, two and a half years later, that our blessing was much more than a blessing of our marriage.  It didn't matter that we couldn’t use a BCP liturgy for our blessing.  It was, as I told you before, as much our Cathedral community claiming us and our marriage, as it was us claiming a blessing from them. Again, a palpable feeling. To become a gift is even greater than receiving one.

It’s no coincidence, then, that the title of the SCLM resources is “I Will Bless You, and You Will Be a Blessing".

Marriage and blessing is not for us, the couple. It is for us, the community. It is a giving to us, and in return the giving of us.

Yes, I understand that there may be legal as well as philosophical reasons why many LGBT people may choose not to marry legally. Many will prefer not to engage with the current liturgy because it’s not officially marriage. And, of course, many couples have had commitment ceremonies or blessings already—they are already beyond this. Everyone has the choice to make.

But… I want you to consider that by engaging the new rite, it becomes marriage. I can’t think of any LGBT couple who would undergo a blessing service for whom it is NOT personally a marriage covenant, regardless of legal technicalities, and I’ll guarantee you the people witnessing it will consider it the same.

And so we were married. And we were, and are, blessed. And both of these were, and are, astonishing gifts not only to us, but of us.

Be a gift.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Support marriage equality and Bishop Gene Robinson!

Pastor Jim Garlow at Skyline Church was a major supporter of Prop8. His church is sponsoring a "conversation on marriage" with prominent anti-equality voices Jennifer Roback Morse (NOM, The Ruth Institute) and Robert Gagnon.

 Representing equality are John Corvino and none other than our friend Bishop Gene Robinson,  who have agreed to join the conversation, to be held at Skyline next week (6pm on Sunday July 29th).

Please join us attending this event in making a powerful witness for equality. Pastor Garlow has asked his crowd to be respectful of alternative points of view, and we ask the same. Remember, many of these people have never met LGBT people of faith. Let's go show them who we are!  This is an opportunity to build bridges and change hearts.  


A carpool will leave from SPC at 4.45 on Sunday.

 Contact Canon Chris Harris for more information (harrisc@stpaulcathedral.org).